People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! Whats the difference between golf and sex? Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots but you have to play where it lies. Bobby Jones, 23. Fear shows up when there is an enlargement of the pupils. The mark of a great player is in his ability to come back. If you break 80, watch your business.". "The value of routine; trusting your swing." - Lorii Myers. Nothing. . now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron. again, Lee Trevino, who would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course. Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course. Whos there? Why are computers such naturally good golfers? "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance.". Tommy Bolt, As golf conquered the United States in the decades preceding World War I, the British import took on new forms. 3. How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. My shaft is bent. Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots. Dr. Bob Rotella, 64. I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan, 56. See more ideas about golf quotes, golf, golf humor. You grind it out. Tiger Woods, 54. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree. With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. Golf is the easiest game in the world. Eight. What does he do if you miss a putt?, Friend: Somersaults? If you worry about the ones you missed, you are going to keep missing them. Walter Hagen, 47. There are no absolutes in golf. Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing? 4. If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the Because subtraction speaks louder than words. J.R. Rim, Till saints and angels hymn forevermore / The miracle of your astounding score / And He who keeps all players in His sight / Walking the royal and ancient hills of light / Standing benignant at the eighteenth hole / To everlasting Golf consigns your soul. A golf ball can be driven 300 yards. Bruce Lansky, Author. Why is Hearts a golfers worst card game? "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." Bruce Lansky 15 of 50 Scott Halleran/Getty Images "On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. Knock, knock My three keys to success: One, work hard. The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off. I prayed that I would react well if I missed. Chi Chi Rodriguez, 44. So what's it gonna be today, Stroke Play or Skins? Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. Just tap it in. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. Funny Golf Quotes You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do. Robert Fuller Murray, Golf is a fascinating game. Its to move on. 2. 3. Colleen Ferrary Bader, Behold, my child, this touching scene, the golfer on the golfing-green / Pray mark his legs uncanny swing / The golf-walk is a gruesome thing! However, it's been poisoned for me by the fact that it was often relayed to customers at a golf course I worked at by an overweight 90-year-old man while I awkwardly feigned amusement in repeated moments of shared weirdness. Choose Tiagra. What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? In a way, this quote is a stand-in for the entire volume of comedic wit and great golf quotes in Caddyshack. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. Correct one fault at a time. I play Bass. What Is The Difference Between a Golf Skirt and a Tennis Skirt? 6. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice. Henny Youngman, Go play golf. The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. Id cry too if I played golf like you. What do you call a blonde at a golf course? document.getElementById("copyright_year").innerHTML = new Date().getFullYear(); We do our best to represent colors accurately, but viewing screens vary from one to another, and from real life. Regardless of time, place, situation, event, or occasion, it is in our human nature, to learn and express. The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan making a joke, we think, it was hard to tell with him. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?, Mr. Palmer replied, Do you own a 3 iron?. Don't worry to do dirty jobs. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? I'm a bit tired, so can we just play your backside tonight? It bends a little to the left. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Not sure who said it, but whoever did understands the game, at times, doesnt make much sense. Dont even putt. Dean Martin, need we say more? Don't dirt your soul. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. Mickey Mantle, Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. If you dont take it seriously, its no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? Im the best. I'm Tiger Woods. See more ideas about golf quotes funny, golf, golf quotes. I just finished a round of golf, wanna be my 19th hole today? Without trust, it feels like you and your golf club are on opposite sides of a tug-of-war. Dr. Joseph Parent, 9. Golfing is a lot like masturbation. Golfs a game where you shout, FOUR! and score a seven, while writing down a five. Again the announcement: Would the man on the womens tee kindly back up the mens tee!, Mike had had enough and shouted: Would the horses ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!. No defenders, no game clock, no excuses. For more great quotes on life, golf and from books and authors, check out this site and this site. Think the shot through in advance before you address the ball. The end. How do you know you should be a golfer? Ted Ray, I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young woman by the clubhouse. Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T? She asked her instructor. Hank Aaron, Golf, golf, golf is all the story! "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. And now it will be poisoned for you. See you in the Email! Ben Hogan, Golf has some drawbacks. Knock, knock Golf is such an individual game, and no two people swing alike. Kathy Whitworth, 14. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. Diller's comment is a great take on a bit of traditional golf advice. Bruce Lansky. They dont have the heart for it. Bring some friends, and we can play a foursome. And three, have a passion for what youre doing. Juli Inkster, 28. Why don't golfers ever eat pie? 5. You either need to learn to drink or take up golf. Turns out Im not a good scotch drinker. Tahiti. 2. The threesome were curious what was going on. - Mickey Mantle. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. Ben Hogan, I dont play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. Dirty Quotes For Him "You can stay but your clothes must go." "Let's make love, then have a h0t dirty time." "I promise to always be by your side. Read more: Hilarious poop jokes that kids will love! 3. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. Whos there? Because all the other four letter words were taken. Two, be your own person. How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? How the heck did that happen? Your email address will not be published. My caddy says I should use a hard 7. Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." What's the difference between a golf ball and a car? 8. A lot of Seniors love playing golf and also, they love jokes. Tahiti hole in one, you need to hit the golf ball straight. You dont know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. Lee Trevino at his best. It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. Its almost a law. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, I have four sons, one more and I will have a basketball team!, The Catholic pooh-poohs that accomplishment, stating, That is nothing actually. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.". Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five. One minute youre bleeding. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. If you can smoke and drink while youre doin it, its not a sport. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. I promise to lick your balls clean and polish your shaft before and after each use during the upcoming golf season. Learn More. 7. Spice things up with these dirty golf jokes. "Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. A guy will spend 10 minutes trying to find his lost golf ball. Please sign up with your best email address. They have a hard drive. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. The little ball that sat motionless, defying you to hit it. About 160 yards was his reply. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. / In despair my overburdened spirit sinks / Till I wish that every golfer was in glory / And I pray the sea may overflow the links. Drop some in the comments! Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. David Brenner, For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. Ana Claudia Antunes, If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Benny. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?. Are you a water hazard? The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. Is everything okay?. The 19th hole. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? P.G. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? Ellis Parker Butler, When we watch pro golfers, we expect them to play well, to make the shots we know we cant, and to be entertaining. Pretty is as pretty does. Harvey Penick, 61. P.G. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. It keeps you young. Patty Berg, 29. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. And maybe thats why the highs were so high and the lows felt so low. O'Grady's comment relates the essence of the experience of a lot of rounds of golf for a lot of golfers. The rest is being comfortable with the different situations on the course. Mickey Wright, 57. ~ Sijin Bt. On a golf course, nature is neutered. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. Golf is a lot like life. Full Text: The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things Features: Size: 7x36 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging.

Robert Bell California, San Bernardino Unsolved Murders, Best Time To Dive Cayman Islands, Disney Worldwide Services Payroll Phone Number, Articles D